Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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