The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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