im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can text with my tongue
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
