Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
