u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
