I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
