In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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