Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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