i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
