Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
