Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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