I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
