i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
