I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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