i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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