i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
