Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
