My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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