Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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