If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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