She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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