No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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