After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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