If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize