Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
