The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My cat gives me a boner
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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