She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
