i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
