She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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