Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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