while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
