Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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