i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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