the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
