So drunk its hurt
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
