Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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