what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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