my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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