My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
