Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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