mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
