he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
