haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
