im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Green mimosas i think yes
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
