OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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