I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
