Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
