just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
