god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
