sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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