I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
