The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
