ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
