she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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