if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
