She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
