I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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