the condom got lost in my hair
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
