i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
