Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
