is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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