you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
