U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
